In one of my recent blogs one of my readers mentioned in her comment something I have always believed. We don’t trust the people we are with in relationships enough in most cases to share with them our most intimate sexual desires or fantasies.
The thing that dooms us from being completely open is that we get so caught up presenting our good girl / good boy persona. We try to prove we are good upstanding citizens and / or Christians (or other religion) in order to attract a person into a serious or meaningful relationship. Then when it comes to sharing that sexual side completely we feel like the two are in conflict with each other. Yes, guys have it easier than ladies when it comes to being able to be open about fantasies, but guys get it to. A guy has to be very careful what he shares with a woman cause she will pull the same card as a guy will if the shit seems to be a little too much for them.
I personally think one of the biggest dysfunctions the church plays in our lives is when it comes to communicating about sex. The Church tries so hard to make sex a bad thing so the young and unmarried won’t do it, that when a person is a consenting adult, married or single; they have a hard time being comfortable with their own desires because they have heard from day one that sex is a bad thing. Now think about that person having to share those desires with someone they care about. The risk becomes too great for them to share their deepest darkest desires.
One example of this is one of the subs I had and have written about in the blog. When I met her she was ending her marriage. When she got into the marriage she was trying to be the good wife. She didn’t have the desires of being submissive at that time, but as she grew into her sexuality she started wanting to do things that conflicted with the “good Catholic” values that she presented to her husband. Now, knowing the type of guy she said her husband was, he probably would have openly received some of those desires because it would have spiced up their bedroom big time. Routine / boring sex was something that was an issue in the marriage.
I am real curious to hear what you feel you can NOT share with your lover, whether it is your husband / wife or regular lover. What is it that you think and fantasize about that you don’t feel that person is quite ready to hear? Also, share why you feel you can’t let that person know your desires. Feel free to post anonymously if you like.
For me it’s not a fantasy or desire but, sharing my blog itself has become a concern for me when I meet a woman. I want to share it, but it has intimidated so many women in the past, it is a flip of the coin if I share it. I feel I have been pretty open when I meet women with what my desires are, but when it is all out there in detail I think it becomes overwhelming and intimidating. I will say the last girl I dated seriously was really turned on by it, but when we met we were not really hooking up for long term, but it developed into that. So, when I shared the blog with her in the first few weeks of us meeting it was no “risk” on my part because there was not a lot invested into what we had at the time.
I think we all have to learn and appreciate that a person’s desires do not define them, which is what happens over and over in our society. If a person has certain desires they get negatively labeled. I think we have to also do our part in our relationships and create an openness that encourages sharing any and everything.
Personally, I find it very hard to share only one desire with my significant other.. That desire is to be with a woman and actually we could do participate in it as a 3 some. My hang up in telling him is from previous conversations were we would be talking about certain situations in our lives and I get this feeling that he really wouldn’t be that into it and he may view me in a different light. Sometimes I just wanna come out and say it, hell he told me he has done it before but he says he just wasn’t that into it.. I’m not really sure what to do I have thought of renting a few girl on girl movies that have some 3 some seens in it and tell him that’s hot.. do you have any suggestions?
Comment by Anonymous — February 23, 2009 @ 4:14 pm
I have always been sexually open about what I desire in a man and from him since my sexual revolution at the age of 28. I was the good girl and I did my ‘evil’ things under the cover of darkness. By day I was a saint and by night I was a sex driven femme fatale. I had two different lifestyles and I worked so hard to keep them separate from each other. If I met a guy as the sex fiend then I would NEVER allow him to meet the other side of me. This was not acceptable to me, however, as the good girl gone bad, if I was in a relationship first then this did not bother me at all because he saw the nice side first.
I chose as my first stance on speaking up about sex a different lifestyle. I studied and learned about domination and submission. It was a lifestyle that I enjoyed and loved during that time period. It allowed me to do things I probably would not have done under normal circumstances. I got to dress up, use devices and toys, and control the situation to my desires. Yes, I lived by the rules of D/s but at times put my own spin on the control aspect of it. I had a lot of subs who are well known in the community who were the power at many companies around the country. Men in power enjoy a woman being in control. I could not tell my lover this, he knew nothing of this lifestyle and I did not see the point in telling him. In a real D/s lifestyle there is no sex involved. But I still wanted that control in my relationship with my lover and finally decided to let him in on my secret. To my surprise he was for it and I never looked back. It was so much easier to let my next boyfriends in on my secret - not a problem at all. That is until I met - him.
He was everything I wanted in a man: smart, educated, rich, handsome, great sense of humor, stable in all aspects of his life, religious, etc. But he scared the hell out of me when it came to sex and emotions. I could not tell him what I desired or how I felt about him. I could not show him “what I was working with.” I acted as though I was 17 and losing my virginity. What made him so much different that I could not show him how uninhibited I was? I could not even tell him what I liked or how I liked to do it. He was look me in my eyes and talk to me and ask what I wanted from him and my answer was always the same “I like what you are doing now.” Dumb ass broad!!! Yeah, I liked it but I wanted it a little rougher, a bit more intense, a lot more domination on his part. He was starting to handle me with kid gloves and eventually we drifted away from each other for a while. He came back and demanded that going forward I open up to him. He wanted to know what I was thinking about with regards to him and our sex life so I decided to tell him. Ohhhhhh, I was great talking to him on the phone but face-to-face I turned into a 3 years old, unable to tell him how I felt.
I told him what I liked and I explained that for some reason he made me nervous. He was not the first rich guy I dated or the first intelligent one with a sense of humor. He was, however, the man I wanted to make a life with and I wonder if this is why this relationship was so difficult for me. We did get the sex down to what we both wanted but he felt I was still holding back. I could not completely tell him how much I love him. My comments were evasive and broad. We are on another out but I hope the next time I can let my feelings about him and my sexual desires flow freely from my lips. I wonder at times if I feel that if I say that I love him and care for him deeply that this will run him away. I did not want to jinx the relationship but I ended up killing it again anyway.
Comment by AtlantaSensualOne — February 23, 2009 @ 4:31 pm
@Anonymous post. I took the liberty of creating your question to the first official Ask FGM category. Check out my response to you in the entry above.
@AtlantaSensualOne
A couple of things stick out to me when I read your comment. The main thing to me is that apparently this guy is a great guy, but he is not the guy for you. The person that is meant for you will be easy for you to talk to. You won’t have a problem opening up to the right one. To confirm this, you should not have to have multiple attempts at making something work if it is right for you. People see things that look good and automatically assume that it is good for them. It truly doesn’t sound like this man was good for you. Yet you do what a lot of people do and that’s try to take a break and come back like something has really changed.
One of the key things you said, is that he was everything you WANTED in a man. The question is was he every thing you NEEDED in a man. Our wants are not always what we need.
Comment by freakygoodman — February 23, 2009 @ 6:40 pm
You are right about your response to me. The reason who make a couple attempts at trying again had to do with scheduling conflicts not issues in the relationship. The last time we promised to make the time necessary to make it work. He was a good man and I do not want to take anything away from him. To be honest here, I believe I was the issue in the relationship. He asked me to open up to him. He pushed for it and he wanted this to work. You are right in that it should be easier for me to talk to him and I cannot figure out why it is not. Am I afraid to let him know that I love him and care for him? Am I afraid to put my heart out there? How do you get over being let down long enough to give love a chance again? The more I write in this blog the more I think I may need some professional help (heehee). But I believe or should I say I know you are correct in that he was not what I needed and so the search goes on.
Comment by AtlantaSensualOne — February 23, 2009 @ 8:16 pm
@AtlantaSensualOne
I think it’s pretty big of you to say that it could be you. It could very well be some things you have to deal with. However, the person who is meant for you makes your insecurities go away or at least makes them manageable. Again, I am not knocking the guy at all. Two very good people can still not be right for each other.
Telling someone you love them can bring about fear, but as the old adage goes, no risk no reward.
Comment by freakygoodman — February 23, 2009 @ 9:01 pm