This was written (I think) September 07 and was never posted. So, decided to finish it up and bring it to you.
Over the Labor Day weekend I was a little bored one day before I headed to a BBq. So I got on to BP and was browsing. I decided to send messages to females asking a question that I knew would get a response. Like I said I was bored. I started sending out the message asking the question: “Why do so many black women think it’s so taboo or won’t try anal sex when it can provide such a great orgasm?”
Now when I sent this out I was sure that I would get some replies but I wasn’t sure exactly what they would be like. Apparently women have some pretty strong opinions about the whole anal thing. Now there were women that said they didn’t have a problem with it and they really enjoyed it. There were even some that simply said, I tried it but I didn’t like it. All of those things are fine. The problem came when several women responded by saying that men who like anal sex were gay or prone to be on the DL.
Now for those of you that have followed my blog, you know that I enjoy anal sex. But, I am about as straight as they come. I put the Hetero in Heterosexual. lol So, to hear so many women with this opinion actually started to piss me off.
Now I have written about my dislike of DL brothers and how I think it’s very unfortunate that they do what they do. As far as gay men or lesbian women, if that’s your thing that’s your thing.
The thought process behind the women that were saying this seemed to be out of straight ignorance or something from the 1950’s.
Basically the rational was that if a man will do a woman in the ass, a man has an ass so he will do him to. What? One gave the analogy that if you turned off the lights and there was a man’s ass to fuck, the guy wouldn’t care as long as it was an ass. WOW. Forget that the man has no attraction to men, but if he likes to have anal with a woman he is going to automatically decide what the hell let me fuck a man in the ass. For the life of me I do not see how one jumps from one to the other.
A man that has zero interest in a man is going to say to his lady, baby I want to try anal with you, then decide you know what, I am going to try anal with a man. That is not going to happen. Now, don’t get me wrong I am sure there are men that like anal with both men and women. But, that person is bi and the anal didn’t determine that he was bi. These women were making the suggestion that if a guy liked anal he had to like men or at the least it was a red flag about his sexuality.
A person’s sexuality is not determined by what they like sexually, it is determined by who they like to do the sexual acts with. In fact, based on the analogy provided above, you might as well say that every man that likes oral sex is on the DL. You can turn off the lights and have a guy suck you and it wouldn’t matter based on her rationale. Yet it seems to be perfectly ok to want oral sex.
It just doesn’t add up. It’s ok if you don’t like it. Everything isn’t for everybody. But, because you can’t wrap your brain around something doesn’t mean you have to vilify it.
Just curious, does this line of thinking mean that for all the women that enjoy anal sex should not want that enjoyment anymore, because the guy that is doing it to them is now gay? And what does it say about the women that want and enjoy anal sex? Just curious.
Good post. Yes, I hear this a lot too, but honestly women who think like that about anal sex, you know the whole, “an ass is an ass,” kind of thinking probably feel the same way about oral sex as well. Sexual repression/ignorance is huge in the African-American community because slavery has deemed it so. So, don’t get pissed off by those comments, those are people that are just slave-minded. Consequently, I have also heard that analogy from guys, so it is universal. To be free sexually is something that requires a hedonistic person or someone who is naturally sensual. As you know, everyone isn’t like that, so you must find those who are like you in those ways.
Comment by 3drops — February 11, 2009 @ 12:05 am
Just a generalization, but it seems that as a people we are too bound by sterotypes of what we have been taught is right and “wrong” in the relationships in general and in the bedroom specifically. I see nothing wrong with sharing anal with a partner that I care about. To act like parts of my body should be off limits to my partner, denies the both of us the opportunity to taste, savor and enjoy the broad spectrum of pleasures, sensuality and sexuality between two adults. To my sisters…a partner who has patience; who is willing to take it slow and who knows the wonderfulness of the effect a strategically placed tongue or finger for his lady is certainly more than worth you giving him the time to at least discuss the topic openly. You might just discover that your ass is an awesome erotic zone. Don’t just dismiss the issue based on perceptions that might have nothing to do with how you may ultimately like or not like a particular sexual act.
Comment by Sanctified&Sensual — February 13, 2009 @ 9:34 am
Just another point. Frankly it would be wrong to just suggest that most sisters are just not interested in considering sharing anal sex with their partners simply because of being some type of prude, sexually inhibited or judgemental because of their upbringings. Part of the problem lies in how too many black men and other men think of women. They have too many notions and sterotypes of “the good girl and the bad girl and wife material”…and what each type of woman is willing to do or not to do. As women, frankly we know that if we do certain things, in some men’s mind we are no longer “good girls”. We know that some men think and some even say…”Where did you learn that” and they don’t want to admit that they then put us in the “bad girl, slut, vixen” category. Time to be more honest men! Both men and women need forums for honest exploration and discussion of sexuality and relationships. So many people know how to have sex and not how to make love. Too often, either the woman or the man does have the skills it takes to motivate their partner to want to do more and to desire to explore the possibilities of experiencing sexual pleasure. And ultimately, any sexual sharing takes trust. There is so much distrust, lack of honesty and or sincerity in many relationships. No one wants to take the chance of sharing deeply and more intimately with “just another one passing through”. The hardest work is “self work”. Everyone needs to examine what’s in their own heads and get notions untwisted, so to speak, before wanting more from their partners. Women tie emotions and feelings to sex and view sex differently than men. Sometimes when a woman quickly dismisses the discussion, she very well could just being real and upfront, although her feelings are based on sterotypes and misconceptions, even lack of knowledge. And perhaps, the man asking hasn’t brought anything to the table to have her feeling enough trust, care, sensuality, etc…to want to go “there” for and with her partner.
Comment by Sanctified&Sensual — February 13, 2009 @ 12:50 pm
I personally enjoy anal sex and I see nothing wrong with it. I am shocked that the reaction to a guy wanting to have anal sex as someone who is gay or on the DL. This way of thinking is stupid at best. Men are not always the instigators of anal sex sometimes it is women. Before I start a new relationship with a man, I always check to see where he stands on anal. If it is not his thing then I continue looking for a new partner. I like how it feels, I enjoy the hell out of it (when I do not let too much time lapse between adventures). For me, it brings me a lot of pleasure and this is one of the ways I reach my end. It may not be for everyone and that is fine too. But trying to justify not engaging in it as some symbolism for homosexuality is ridiculous. Now I will admit that I do not engage in this type of sex with every man I date. He has to be someone I trust and that is why this is a rare ocurrence for me.
Comment by AtlantaSensualOne — February 18, 2009 @ 8:04 pm
@ Sanctified and Sensual
You make some valid points in both of your post. Being able to trust your mate and also a willingness to not be bound by societal perceptions is big in being able to enjoy your own sexual desires.
The issue of being able to discuss freely your wants and desires sexually truly is a big issue. Too many times we worry about what the other person would say or think. I agree that men will hold a double standard, but women will judge as well. It is a two way street that has to be addressed. And yes it is time for all involved to be more honest.
Comment by freakygoodman — February 21, 2009 @ 11:14 pm