One of the things that I have always envisioned in my Christian walk once I became married was to have a Bible study that was a couples only study that focused on keeping the spice in the marriage. One of the disappointing things I recognized in church is that there seemed to be a lot of dead marriages. No excitement. In the men’s Bible study that I was a regular, the married guys would open up and talk about the lack of the excitement in their marriage when it came to the bedroom.
If you can’t have the excitement and pleasure you want when you get married, when are you suppose to? In the Christian faith, we tend to make sex this nasty dirty thing that you are not suppose to discuss and is so wrong. I think the main reason that happens is because the church focuses so much on keeping the non-married part of the congregation from having sex, that the married people keep it in their head that sex is a sin.
Back to my vision. It would be a Bible study that me and my wife would host and discuss all of the taboo issues of sex in regards to being a good Christian. Of course be able to back up the discussion with scripture and not just say, well you are married you can do what you want. However, in my mind, if you are married and a Christian you should be able to do whatever is comfortable with you and your spouse in your bedroom.
I am curious of what people think of a few issues as it relates to sex and being a married Christian.
1. Watching Pornography – a lot of people enjoy pornography to spice up the bedroom. Whether it’s getting new techniques or watching it to help arousal with a partner. But, of course the Church views it as something that is sinful.
2. Sex Toys – I have never really heard one way or the other a direct issue with this but would be curious to hear how some Christians feel about sex toys. I know that in a good deal of Churches that it would be frowned upon to say the least.
3. 3 somes – This is something that goes back to what I mentioned before, if both parties are comfortable with having a 3rd party in the bedroom, is it wrong as a Christian. Now, I am not putting this out there for those to just say oh hell naw that’s wrong, I want serious thought about it. If you and your spouse are both saved, but feel comfortable having a 3rd party in your bedroom to spice things up, is it wrong?
4. Anal Sex – I have had some say that anal sex isn’t natural and isn’t Godly. Why not? Again, I ask, if you and your spouse are comfortable with it, why not?
5. Domination and submission – now this one, can go a lot of ways. You will have some that say, well a wife should submit to her husband anyway. Does the wide definition that comes with D/s sit ok with the Church?
These were just a few things sexually that I would be interested in knowing how you guys felt about if you were or are in a Christian marriage relationship. For me I wouldn’t have a problem with any of the 5 listed. The 3some would be something that I would have to be extremely sure that my wife would be ok with simply because I know that it could case issues in the marriage as a result of jealousy and things of that nature. Scripturally I am not sure what would be the stance against it, other than coveting another man’s wife. But, if the 3rd party is a single female, then what?
Feel free to add something on the list that you would be curious about sexually in a marriage to add to the mix and share your thoughts.
1.Pornography is ok to share as long as it is for mutual enjoyment.Hubby needs 2 pick erotic movies not hardcore/degrading so wifey doesn’t get grossed out.
2.Sex toys- introduce carefully so no one feels inadequate. Go to the store together. The new toy can’t be the focus of making love & make sure u know how the shit works.
3.Threesomes is out as far as I am concerned. The bible says to drink from your OWN well. It’s a slippery slide unless the couple are just swingers or this was agreed before marriage.
4. Anal Sex-FGM, do you ever think of anything else? Even though that shit may hurt, wifey should do what the man wants in bed. If not, someone else will.
5. Dominating/submitting-if u want wifey to give u all the power in the bedroom, make her feel safe and well taken care of outside of the bedroom too…is her car still making the rattling sound, did u cook dinner for once? Do not do things she’s not down with if she agrees to play cuz that takes away trust. Hubby needs to be willing to let wifey take charge sometimes too if she wants to.
Comment by Anonymous — October 29, 2005 @ 12:09 pm
Well I suppose I can put my two cents in, even though I am not married yet. However, I am a Christian, and unimpressed enought with Church folks to not be swayed by other people, yet in a personal enough relationship with Christ to know the difference.
Pornography is looked down upon in the church because it is a bunch of people who aren’t married having sex which equals fornication to most chuuch folks. Yes, I said “chuuch”! Honestly, I think porn can be a good guide, accessory, not to mention spice in a marriage. But like FGM said, it is up to the couple.
Sex toys are good as well. There is such a myriad of toys out there on the market, that you can find some that an elder in the church would find interesting and funny. There actually exists such a ministry at a church I was attending in MI when I was in school up there. And they actually gave out “gifts for couples” during Sunday morning service.
Threesomes is a sticky one for all of the obvious reasons. Personally, my future husband and I most likely will not see eye to eye on this one. If I was going to participate in a 3some it would have to be MFM. I just don’t do women, no interested in them even being in my sexual space. But in a marriage, that seems to be riding the line of infidelity, but it is like you are saying it’s not just because the people involved are cool. If someone lies to you, it is still a lie even if you are cool with the fact that they lied to you. Not to mention, this scenario didn’t work in the bible. Abraham and Sarah, ooh let’s bring in the maiden, and we saw how that turned out. The jealousy and just downright karma from all of that still exists today over in the middle east. Those Jews and Muslims and Christians are descendants of that triangle…but enought of that. To each his own, honestly on this one, my husband and I would have to pray.
Anal sex…if my husband wanted it and knew what he was doing and didn’t have an anxious spirit, then I would be cool with it. I personally don’t have a problem with it, but a lot of men blow this one because they don’t have patience or know how to be gentle or even just educate themselves on it.
D/S is cool as well. However, it must be shared. Some men always want to be the dominant, and I think they should allow their wives to take the helm sometimes. It is not a matter of whether or not it is masculine or not, but she likes to feel “trusted” as well.
Hope that helps from a single Christian point of view.
Comment by threedropsofcaramel — October 29, 2005 @ 9:05 pm
Note to self, I think they are on to you really liking anal sex. lol
Some good thought out responses, but one thing about the 3somes @threedrops - Abraham and Sarah were not having a 3some. They brought in someone to try and give Abraham a son. Why it is a 3rd party, I think the scenario is a bit different. However, the jealous part does speak to the issue I think that makes it difficult to introduce a 3some in a relationship. A 3some is one of the things that I would deal without in a relationship.
Comment by freakygoodman — October 30, 2005 @ 10:31 pm
To comment on the threesome scenario in a Chritian marriage, it’s something I would never do or tolerate. I believe that I belong to my husband and he belongs to me. We’ve committed to each other on so many levels that someone intruding on that would be devastating. Perhaps some people would be comfortable, but I know I wouldn’t be.
From a bibilical stand point, it is breaking a spiritual law (not the “coveting” commandment since, you’re right; the third participant would be single): Sex with anyone other than your spouse is fornication. It’s funny how that doesn’t register for some people but, it totally makes sense from a social stand point. Fornication is no longer tabu so, some figure, what’s the big deal if we’re consenting adults. If you’re married, it is a big deal because you’re trying to function in a committed relationship, but you and your spouse are fornicating too.
Numbers 2, 4 and 5 (I think) are fine if the couple agrees. I’m a touch of an exhibitionist, and I also think that’s fine if your partner is cool with it (and, of course, neither one of you gets arrested) lol.
As for 1, it’s tricky. You can have people who become addicted and that could spell trouble for the relationship. There’s also (from the bibilical standpoint again) the idea that if you think it, you’ve committed the act. If you’re thinking about how it would feel to pound the girl on the screen or what getting it from the man who never seems to get tired would fee like, then you’ve done it (in God’s eyes). The thought and the act are not separate. In recent years, more and more divorces are happening because one of partners can’t stop watching the porn. They actually get to the point where they can’t function without it.
So, there are my two cents (for whatever it’s worth).
Comment by Enchantress — November 1, 2005 @ 4:18 pm
I think the only one that (from a Christian standpoint) is out is the threesomes. You can’t justify it. It’s either going to be and homosexual act or an act of adultery. Other than that, I’d have to agree with the general consensus…whatever you and your spouse agree to and are comfortable with is what is acceptable. As long as you two are comfortable with your sex life..that’s what’s important.
Comment by 1DuvalFreak — November 9, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
Thought you might enjoy this link. It addresses most of the questions you raised.
Comment by Toprock — December 23, 2005 @ 1:18 pm
Uh oh! Forgot the explicit link
http://www.sexinchrist.com/
Comment by Toprock — December 23, 2005 @ 1:27 pm
The Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled but i dont think that was meant for strangers outside of the married couple to join in lol, Let me know when you host that bible study I would love to be there
Comment by interested reader — February 1, 2006 @ 3:26 pm